


Slowly falling (in love)

by Metafora



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Domestic Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:34:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28260036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metafora/pseuds/Metafora
Summary: Taeyong and Johnny have spent five Christmas together already; from the one in which they met each other in a snowstorm to the one they confessed or got engaged, Christmases have become a special date for them. But this one will be the best because they're welcoming his son into their little family.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 6
Kudos: 65
Collections: Under The Mistletoe





	Slowly falling (in love)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> This fic is for the Under the Mistletoe Johnyong ficfest by Oricon2900! I'm very excited to publish this little thing. It's my first fic in English ever, so I apologize in advance for all the mistakes I've probably done. I hope is decent and you can enjoy it. Merry Christmas!

_Slowly falling (in love)_

5.

Winter in New York is a cold, white affair and Johnny loves it. He prefers autumn, though, the contrast of wet streets, gray skies, and red leaves, but winter is not that bad either. He loves taking his time walking down the street with a hot cup of coffee between his fingers on his way to the office every morning, the freezing lingering on his nose. People wear big coats and there are Santa Clauses around every corner that some smile to and some try to avoid at all costs. Because even in a big city like New York, Christmas can change the scenery completely: some lights dress up of yellow and rainbows the white asphalt and a spirit that, like the romanticist and lover of cliches he is, Johnny can only enjoy.

His house is on the corner of a long street. The only way to go in is by the back door of the art shop that is under his flat. Johnny tries to balance the two hot chocolates he has between his hands now to open the heavy door and is very careful with his steps while going up the stairs.

When he opens the door of the apartment after too much struggle there is the sound of a Christmas ballad resonating everywhere. He lets the hot chocolates on the entry, takes off his coat _,_ and goes to where the voice of Maria Carey is coming from.

He is not surprised when his husband doesn’t take note of his existence, too into his task to listen to the sounds of the world. He is humming while trying to untangle a wild ball of wires. It’s a common sight these days; he has been more excited about the holidays than never before, Johnny knows, and he also understands it.

After all, Taeyong and Johnny are expecting to live a very different Christmas. After five years together (one being married) they’re going to receive the best present of them all: the son they’ve adopted will be home by next week, and Taeyong wants to give him the best, most Christmassy welcome possible.

Ergo, the chaos of color light bulbs and decorations in their living room’s floor, Johnny supposes.

“Taeyong,” Johnny says, “you know he’s fourteen years old, don’t you?”

It’s only then that Taeyong seems to be aware of him. His face lights up when he looks up at him from the floor, a big smile forming while Johnny sits at his side and leans to kiss him tenderly.

“I didn’t listen to you”, Taeyong hums, looking at the cups in Johnny’s hands.

“You seem very busy,” Johnny says and gives him one of them. “Hot chocolate with a lot of whipped cream. Your favorite.”

“Thank you.”

They stay in silence for a moment, Taeyong leans on his shoulder, and Johnny pets his head. Another tune starts playing from the speakers and Johnny can’t help but chuckle.

“Do you think he’ll like it?” Taeyong asks, his voice barely a whisper.

“The decorations? I mean, you have an amazing taste, babe.”

“Not that. Us. Being our son.” Taeyong’s voice is just a strand, vulnerable, and insecure in a way that makes his heart clench. “Do you think he’ll like it?”

“It’s impossible not to like you”, Johnny answers after just a little silence.

Taeyong pouts at him.

“I’m being serious!”, he whines.

Johnny kisses his forehead.

“Me too, babe. It _is_ impossible not loving you since the first moment. I know it well”.

Taeyong flushes, bad at taking straightforward compliments even after all the years they’ve been together.

“I hate you”, he proclaims. Johnny only laughs and lets him hid in his shoulder.

“My angel and savior”, Johnny whispers, enjoying the groan Taeyong lets out.

________________

The first time Johnny met Taeyong he really thought he was an angel. It was a delirious thought of an almost frozen person, but Taeyong was the most beautiful person Johnny had ever seen.

And that’s what he told him.

“You’re beautiful. Like an angel.”

Taeyong just looked at him with a worried expression while giving him some towels and clothes.

“My name is Taeyong,” he said, slowly, like talking to a crazy person. “And I think you need a hot shower. You’re freezing. I’ll make you a hot chocolate.”

Johnny shivered his way to the bathroom and only felt a little more like a person and less like an ice cube when he went out from it after taking a very hot shower. The clothes his savior (angel, he called him, ugh) had given him were a little tight, but he was very thankful either way.

“Have you finished? Here, give me your clothes and I’ll dry them. The hot chocolate is almost done.”

Taeyong, Johnny remembered his savior was called. He was at the kitchen counter, stirring something on a pot at the fire that Johnny guessed was the hot chocolate he would have to drink even if he didn’t really like it.

As if reading his mind, Taeyong (incredible big eyes and very high cheeks) looked at him from around his shoulder.

“I hope you like chocolate, though. I’m sorry, I didn’t even ask.”

“Um,” Johnny stuttered, a little puzzled by the entire thing but, mostly, by those eyes that were looking at him. "No. It’s ok. I mean. I like it, yeah.

You liar, a voice said inside his head. Shut up, he thought, accepting the mug with a smile that he wished it was gentle and letting it warm his fingers.

“Thank you so much”, he said then, when Taeyong had pointed him to the chairs around the table and they had sat in front of each other.

Taeyong, that guy he didn’t know from anything, had one of the sweetest smiles he had ever seen.

“It’s nothing. I couldn’t possibly let your day out there in the middle of the storm, could I?”

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t, that’s for sure. But still. You don’t know me and you still let me take a shower in your home, gave me clothes. And even made me hot chocolate. I don’t know how to thank you.

Taeyong stared at him for so long that he started to feel how his ears were warming up a little. He decided to take a sip of the hot chocolate and was gladly surprised because it wasn’t that bad.

“Well”, Taeyong said, so low it was almost impossible to hear; “you could tell me why were you out in a red alert, for a start.” There was a curious note in his tone, but also something too alike to condemn to be able to ignore it.

Johnny felt the warmth going to his cheeks too, which was weird because he wasn’t a person that flushed easily in normal circumstances.

“I had to go to get my computer from the office”, he mumbled, taking another sip to hide his embarrassment.

Taeyong did a funny noise, like an indignant little sound that made him look at him.

“What was that important? Like. To put your life at risk, I mean.”

“There was… I needed to get it to send an important file to a client. I forgot it yesterday and my boss would have had my head if I didn’t do it so. It was like… do you want to die from hungriness or a wild storm? I took my chances, I guess.”

The whole situation was absurd, Johnny realized then, looking at Taeyong being upset (he guessed) at him. They didn’t know each other, but they were acting as if they were old friends or something. Taeyong took a deep breath as if he were summoning his patience.

“I’m sorry”, he apologized, even if he didn’t know exactly why. It was an impulse.

It was only then that Taeyong seemed to realize what he was doing. He flushed suddenly, ears bright red, and eyes widened.

“No”, he said, rushed, “I am sorry, oh my god, I’m no one to judge you I’m really, really sorry I don’t even know you-”

“Hey. Don’t worry. You’re right, I shouldn’t have done it. And well, you were the one who saved my life, so I think you have probably some right to tell me one thing or two.”

“I-” Taeyong started, to then stop himself. “I’m sorry, really. Do you want more chocolate?” he raised from the chair and took their mugs even before he answered, going to the counter and turning away from him.”

“Sure” he chuckled, even if it was unnecessary. Cute, Johnny thought. This guy is stupidly cute.

While Taeyong was working on making more hot chocolate, he took the time to look around for the first time. The kitchen was normal sized, but it seemed packed with all the Christmas decorations. On the refrigerator, some paintings seemed from children and johnny wondered if they were related to Taeyong and how. On the counter, there was a little figure of Santa Claus and on the ceiling, garlands were hanging, red and green, and some whites with snowflakes shapes. It all seemed handmade somehow, even the figure.

It made sense, Johnny thought. The shop that was down the stairs was an art shop. A place he would have never gone into if it wasn’t for the snowstorm that made him stop his car and resign himself to freeze to death, the signal of his phone out, the streets white and blurry from the wind, until the sound of some knocks on the car window.

When Johnny looked at the slim silhouette from the other side of the window he was already trembling and a little delirious. He opened the door nonetheless. And then there was Taeyong, even if he didn’t know his name at the moment, looking like an angel.

His face was blushed from the cold, and hell was falling beneath him in white shades and strong blows of wind. Johnny only saw his eyes, enormous and dark. Sweet, even when he was screaming at him.

“-With me! You need to come with me!!” he listened. “Come, come!”

Johnny let him do whatever he wanted, maybe because he wasn’t capable of thinking at the moment. He felt slow and sleepy. They walked down the street together, even when he didn’t felt his legs, to an alleyway. The wind wasn’t that strong there, and johnny felt his breath relieved. When the unknown person (the angel, his mind supplied) opened the door of the alley and made him go in, he didn’t resist either.

He only could see a little of the art shop before Taeyong was pushing him to the stairs.

“What’s your name?” he asked, while Johnny fought to climb the stairs.

“Johnny” he answered, but it sounded more like “Joh-oh-n-ny-ny”.

“Johnny,” Taeyong repeated, “we’re gonna get you warm, okay?”

Yes, he thought, unable to talk. That sounds good.

“Here’s your chocolate,” Taeyong announced, taking him out of his reminiscence. “Do you want anything to eat? I’ll make dinner soon but-”

“Dinner?”

“Yes, I don’t think is a good idea for you to go out. The TV said this storm will keep going for the night at least. I have another room with a bed and-”

Johnny stared at Taeyong, who was talking nervously. He seemed to be trying to convince him to stay, nervous for some reason. As if Johnny would say no, or there wasn’t a snow storm going on right at the moment outside. Johnny could only chuckle.

Taeyong stopped talking and looked at him, wide eyes like a young fawn caught eating in the middle of the forest.

“I don’t know how to thank you” Johnny opted to say. “You don’t know me but you’ve opened your house for me and will even let me sleep here. Thank you.”

Taeyong expression softened then, and he smiled.

“It’s nothing. I couldn’t let someone out there. And also, it’s Christmas. We have to be good, or Santa Claus will know.”

After all the hot chocolate, the hot shower, sitting there near to the heating, the cold of before seemed almost like a ghost now. But the warmth he felt at that moment while Taeyong smiled at him was different, it ran even deeper, dangerously close to his chest; a warmth of sparkling tiny lights.

He slept on Taeyong’s sofa that night. It was too tiny for him, but he stubbornly sent his host to bed and made his mind to just try his best to rest for a little. The wind was still blowing loudly, the other side of the windows a white blur.

It was almost two in the morning when he listened to some steps. Taeyong found him sitting down on the sofa, surrounded by blankets, reading a book he had found on the shelves.

Strong winter storms, they both discovered that day, are not precisely quiet.

Taeyong didn’t hesitate to sit down at his side, and johnny kept reading with him at his side. At some point, they got up and made tea. Taeyong got his laptop and they watched a Ghibli movie on the bed. (“do you like Ghibli movies?”, Taeyong asked; “Pfft”, Johnny answered, “who doesn’t like Ghibli”. They spent half an hour criticizing people that think cartoons are for kids before they started with the argument about which one they should pick. They fell asleep at some point in the eternity that comes between the night and the day, where embracing a stranger while whispering about the magic of stories well told is perfectly fine.

And by the time he woke up the morning after, the sun shining through the window, Johnny knew he was already in love and didn’t really know what to do about it.

That’s why he ran away in silence, just to regret it some hours later.

It was five days before Christmas eve.)

4.

“It’s snowing”, Taeyong announces.

Doyoung looks outside and sighs.

“There go my hopes of not getting wet today. You didn’t bring an umbrella, did you?”

Taeyong is, of course, not listening.

“It’s beautiful. I love a snowed landscape, you know? But seeing the snow falling… that’s different”.

They are in their favorite cafe after hours of “tortuous activities”, by Doyoung’s words, or of “incredible shopping time”, by Taeyong’s.

“Hey”, Doyoung calls for the attention of his best friend. “You okay?”

Taeyong takes his time to look at him. He grins widely. “Never been better, Doie”, he tells him.

Doyoung wants to believe him. At the end of the day, he knows Taeyong has no reason to lie. They’ve passed the time of keeping things from each other long ago. Knowing him since his eight years old, he is aware of Taeyong’s sincerity when he answers.

The problem is Taeyong is very good at lying to himself and he’s too good at noticing when his friend is nervous.

And right now… right now Taeyong is buzzing.

“He’s gonna love you”, he chooses to say. “You just need to be yourself and that kiddo will fall in love with you”.

He watches carefully as his friend bites his lip. His eyes move to the table and then to meet his eyes. There’s something fragile on his wide looking eyes.

“You think so?”, he asks, voices a whisper that gets almost lost in the hustle of the coffee shop.

“I’m positive, Tae. There’s no way of not loving you. Even if it takes time, you’ll be all right”.

Johnny is suddenly at their side, shadowing Taeyong.

“What’s up”, he salutes with a smile to then kiss Taeyong’s forehead and sit at his side.

Love is a disease, Doyoung thinks.

“Hey”, someone says at his side.

Jaehyun smiles with dimples at him. It feels outrageous.

“What were you talking about? How was shopping? What did you get?” Johnny is already going through the bags while Taeyong tries to stop him. “Wait, you don’t want me to see it? Did you get me something?

Taeyong _giggles_ and takes the last bag from Johnny’s hands.

“Maybe”, he teases.

Johnny’s face lights up and Doyoung can only roll his eyes while they banter.

“They’re cute”, Jaehyun speaks. Doyoung looks at him in disbelief, but Jaehyun just smiles and mouths: “You love it”.

Doyoung groans. He hates this kid, too. Jaehyun is johnny’s best friend. After Taeyong decided he was going to spend all his time with a man he met in the middle of a snowstorm, there was no other option for him than open his friend’s circle to johnny and, by default, to Jaehyun.

“Whatever”, he mumbles, “does someone want something?” he gets up while johnny asks for an americano and Jaehyun decides to go with him.

“I’m happy for them”, Jaehyun says while they wait in the queue. “They’re doing something amazing”.

When Doyoung met Jaehyun, they were still in college. Jaehyun was the kind of guy he never expected to make a friend with. Handsome, popular, an athlete. He discovered later that he was also the kind of guy that kept vinyl in his room and melt at the sight of cats and kids. “He’s sweet”, Taeyong told him one day. “A very sweet guy”.

Doyoung is not sweet. He is ironic and a little of a cynic. He loves singing but decided to study business because it would give him more money. He also surrounds himself with sweet people. The kind of people that falls in love deep and forever. The kind of people that look at his friends with honey on their eyes, content with the happiness of others; the ones that admire the bravery of being in love at the sight of the world, bare and open for everyone to see. And even if it’s hard for him to look at that side of life, he’s getting better at letting others help him with that.

“Yeah”, he says. “They are amazing”.

Doyoung is a slow learner, but he thinks he’s picked up one or two things about love.

When he holds Jaehyun’s hand, freezing for the cold of winter, he doesn’t say anything, just squeezes a little and lets his dimples show up.

He’s a sweet, sweet guy.

(And if Taeyong and Johnny are looking at them with merry on their eyes from the table, they also choose to keep it quiet.

Another pair of sweet guys he’s thankful to have in his life, they are).

\----

For Taeyong love came slowly and without notice. It took a year and one day for him to realize that he was, indeed, in love with that guy he saved and let spend the night at his home. By then it already felt like Johnny had been part of his life since forever. There was a weird feeling in his chest when he thought about life before him, about how it could be if they happened to part in different ways one day in the future.

That should’ve been, probably, a clue. But it wasn’t.

Because Johnny felt natural for him like breathing.

Only one year had passed since he met him and he didn’t even get surprised when johnny appeared one day at his door with a little kitten in his arms.

“I know”, is the first thing he says while Taeyong just stares at him and the white kitty that appears to be swallowed by blankets, “this comes with little notice, but I got us a kitten!”

Taeyong lets him in and closes the door behind him. There are a lot of questions that need to be answered, but the tiny kitten shouldn’t be on the cold and he’s a man of priorities.

“We don’t even live together, Johnny. How can _we_ get a kitten?” is the first thing that comes to his mind, and if his heart makes a strange jump he decides to ignore it. He has more important matters between his hands right now.

“Listen up”, Johnny started. He moved and the kitten meowed. Taeyong frowned at him. “Oh, yeah. Sorry, buddy”, he smiled at the kitten, which stretched his little neck to look at the big guy above him with something akin to adoration. Taeyong had the stupid thought of kissing both their foreheads. (He didn’t, obviously.) “I think we should sit down or something”.

The kitten didn’t take long to start nosing around when Johnny sat down with Taeyong at his side. He was still looking at the kitten, at the fragile form, the tiny little pats, the big eyes, and enormous ears.

“Where did you get him from? Wait, it is a he?”

“Yeah, he is” johnny smiled at the kitten when he tried climbing to his shoulder, even helping him to do so when he couldn’t and started meowing. “I actually found him on the street. Do you remember when I canceled our hang out two days ago?”

Taeyong nodded, feeling a little sour. For the cancellation (and for the choice of words).

“Well, I was coming here, and then I hear this sound, y’know? I looked behind a car and there he was! Trembling and freezing in the middle of the snow. I tried calling him but he ignored me, obviously.” The kitten got to the back of Johnny’s neck and sat down right there. Johnny pulled himself to the front so the kitten didn’t fall and kept talking. “So I went to a mall and got cat food and spent like two hours making ourselves acquaintances. I actually ended calling Jaehyun. He brought blankets and I could get him and take him home.”

“You should’ve called me” Taeyong found himself mumbling. “I could’ve helped”.

“I know, sorry about that. But your car is broken so” the kitten rubbed himself against johnny's cheek. Taeyong couldn’t help but smile.

“So, why are you here, Johnny? It seems like he likes you and you already take him to your home, didn’t you?”

Johnny looked at him with a sheepish smile.

“Well, you see. I didn’t really say anything to my landlord and, ha! Animals are apparently forbidden on my apt complex. Who could’ve thought, uh? But Jaehyun says is a very common thing, sadly. I don’t understand this society, really, it makes no sense at all but well. It is what it is, I guess. And I thought, well. There is one person I know that owns his place. That’s pretty uncommon in new York, isn’t it?”

Taeyong groaned.

“I cannot take care of another being, Johnny”, he tried, even if he already felt himself falling for the idea. He could even picture it, a cat going around the flat and the store, sunbathing on the mornings at the desk by his side, or disappearing for hours to come from time to time.

“Please, Taeyong, you’re a nourishing soul. There’s one better than you at taking care of others”.

He wasn’t even looking at him when he said it; Johnny was too busy petting the cat that had gone onto the sofa now. Taeyong felt himself flushing; he had never been one of taking compliments well, more of denying or not answering. But since he had met Johnny, he kind of had to get used to it. Even if it was still hard sometimes when Johnny said it as if it was common knowledge, the most normal thing to say in the world.

The kitten turned to Taeyong then. He looked at him as if he knew his future was depending on it. Taeyong chuckled, stretched out his hand, and serenely observe how the kitten got to him and let himself be petted.

When he looked up, Johnny had the smile of someone who knew had gotten what he wanted, and something different he didn’t want to think of because for Taeyong, hope was a dangerous thing.

“Whatever name you had given him I state my right to revoke it if I don’t like it”, he declared. Johnny nodded and started to thank him, but Taeyong hadn’t finished yet. “And you will also have to take care of him! Vet visits, and washing him up and everything, you’re responsible too, Johnny.”

Johnny laughed then.

“Of course, babe,” he told him. “He’s my son too, we’ll have joint custody”.

Taeyong puffed, knowing well he was bright red.

“We’ll see.”

There was this blurry line with Johnny where he called him pet names sometimes and their friends commented about them being a married couple that was a joke but made him feel it could be something more. It was in moments like these when Johnny called him babe or something similar, that was more difficult to contain his urge of kissing him, of telling him he loved him. He could probably do it; confess, see what happens. But Taeyong is not a brave person, so he always stays at the side of the line that feels secure. “I’m gonna be his favorite, though,” he joked.

“No way!” Johnny exclaimed. “He already loves me”.

“Yeah, but I’m gonna live with him. He’s gonna spend most of his time with _me,_ so”.

He smirked at Johnny while he started doing affronted noises.

“Then I’ll spend all my time here too, so much time you will get sick of me”.

Taeyong laughed. The kitten had gone to sit on his lap, and started purring while he petted him under his neck. Johnny caressed his back and the cat _vibrated._ They both cooed. Johnny sat closer to him and spent some time just caressing the kitten. Johnny’s hand was warm and when he leaned on his shoulder Taeyong didn’t say anything at all; in fact, he wasn’t even breathing.

“Thank you, Taeyongie” Johnny whispered near his neck. He stiffened a little and then relaxed.

The cat purred again. Taeyong felt a little like purring too.

“You’re welcome”, he answered. “Thank you for trusting me with him”.

“There’s no one else in the whole world I would trust more for this”.

The silence they fell into was comfortable, yet tense. This was another of those blurry lines, the silences being together, cuddling with a kitten between them. It was so domestic Taeyong felt his heartache. Being with Johnny gave him so much but it felt too little lately. He wanted and yearned for more; for kisses where there were hugs, for love where there was an amazing, beautiful friendship. He yearned for johnny’s heart, not for ownership but for having a special place on it. His heartbeats were obnoxiously loud, almost as loud as his desire to entwine his fingers with Johnny’s while playing with his hand, the kitten already slept.

At some point, they had to move. Johnny told about his work while they cooked together. The kitten’s belongings and food on the table after they went to get them from johnny’s car. Taeyong lectured him about the kind of brushes he uses for his paintings and complained about how bad his younger students treated the materials.

Johnny laughed when Taeyong made ironic comments about one particular day that was a disaster while feeding the kitten. They talked about potential names over dinner and it was a mess, obviously; both hating the other ideas. When it got too late Taeyong offered Johnny to spend the night. They slept in the same bed, as always, and then was when the lines faded away until they almost disappeared. Johnny hugged him and Taeyong accommodated himself around him.

He fell asleep swaying on the yearning and Johnny’s arms.

(They didn’t kiss that day, but it didn’t take too long, thank god).

\------

3.

“Mark has called” is the first thing Taeyong says to him when johnny enters the door. “He thinks he’ll be able to be here for Christmas eve”.

“Really?” Johnny takes his coat (which is wet from the snow) off. “Didn’t he have to work?”

“Yeah, but he changed the shift with a friend.” Taeyong smiles big and sweet. “He said he wants to be here to welcome his nephew”.

Johnny snorts, even if he melts a little.

“He’s just what? Three years older? Please, in any case, they’ll be like brothers”.

Taeyong laughs at him.

“Aw, feeling old, honey?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Mark is and always will be a kid”.

“please, he has always been like a little adult. Even when he was actually kind of a child” Taeyong retorts.

Johnny huffs, pretends to not have heard him. Then deflates.

“We can let them decide how to call each other, I guess.”

Taeyong pats him understandingly.

“Well said, big guy” he giggles. “Don’t be sad”.

Taeyong can’t do anything else but yelp and scream when Johnny takes him and lifts him in the air. This time, Johnny is the one that laughs at him.

(For Johnny, the fact that his husband accepted his little brother since the beginning is something that still amazes him and makes him want to cry when he thinks about it for too long, honestly).

\-----

“I don’t understand it”, Taeyong complained one day three years ago over the phone. Johnny was sure he didn’t know he was being listened to. “I love Mark, and Mark loves me. Why is him the reason we can’t live together?”

There’s a silence then that Johnny took as his cue to leave. He shouldn’t be listening to this conversation.

Bad luck was, he guessed, that Moon found him at that exact moment. The meowing was loud enough to be impossible to have gone unnoticed. He listened to the quick “call you later” while petting the cat and waited. Taeyong appeared through the door of the back of the shop seconds later.

“Johnny?” he asked, biting his lip nervously, “what are you doing here?”

Johnny smiled at him from the floor, swallowed the pain perforating his chest.

“I thought we could go to Rockefeller together. You said you were closing early today”, he said.

“Oh”, Taeyong mumbled. The hint of a smile spread on his face. “Yeah. I’d love it.”

On the whole year, they’d been dating there had never been a silence like this one. They walked together, hands brushing but not really touching. It was tense, the kind of tension that came from the things not told, the truths they had decided to keep quiet.

Taeyong proposed to him to live together in the flat over his shop. “We almost live together, anyways”, he had said some days before, trying very hard to be nonchalant about it. Johnny had known then it was going to be a problem, but he couldn’t still really explain himself.

“Maybe because there’s nothing to explain”, Jaehyun had said to him hours later of that conversation, where Taeyong had almost cry but tried to show himself understanding. “He adores Mark, and Mark has called him mom too many times to be a complete joke.”

Johnny had looked at his friend and had wanted to feel angry because, hell, he was trying to vent, not to have his conscience stirred. But Johnny made friends let them help him to evolve as a person so, at the end of the day, it was kind of his fault.

“I know is not logical”, he had mumbled then. “But it’s difficult. You know that.”

Jaehyun eyes softened then. Jaehyun knew him since they were children; he had been there when his parents died when Mark was almost taken away from him because he was still a minor. When he got his little brother back and promised himself he was going to give him the best possible life.

“Yeah. I know that. But have you tried really explaining it to Taeyong? Or have you only said sorry, I can’t, and call it a day?” he asked, taking his hand over the table when johnny sighed because, yeah, that was basically what he had done, hadn’t he? “Johnny. You _love_ him. I’ve never seen you like this with anyone else. And you guys work so well together. Don’t you want to spend a long time with him?”

Johnny nodded. At this point, he was pretty sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Taeyong.

“But you know”, Jaehyun continued, “for that, you need to open to him, and let yourself have it. Really have it, Johnny”.

Really have it, Johnny repeated to himself. He looked over at Taeyong, engulfed in the scarf Mark had gifted him last year, cheeks red and eyes big. Brushing his hand with his, but not really touching.

He took his boyfriend’s hand, who gasped and looked at him in surprise, and smiled at him. He loved him. He had known long before they started dating, since the day he saved him from the snow and opened his home to him, without question or doubt. Just blindly trusting him. He loved him.

“You’re freezing,” he told him, soft and sweet. “Let’s go for some hot chocolate before we go to see the tree, uh?”

Taeyong examined him, looking for an answer that only his eyes could give him. In the end, he just squeezed his hand and nodded, and when they started to walk again, he leaned on him and johnny knew, as certain as he knew the sun was coming up every day, that he was doing the correct thing.

Their favorite cafe was close enough to Rockefeller square that it was a bit too busy at Christmas, but they didn’t care; Johnny loved the coffee too much and Taeyong loved the decoration and the sweets from there. By the time Johnny talked, they both had their beverages in hand, the silence a lot more comfortable this time, but not quite the same as always.

“I’m sorry”, he started; Taeyong looked at him startled as if he didn’t expect _that_ to be what Johnny had to say. “I know I haven’t explained myself well. It’s just… it’s not something I’m used to talking about.” His parents had died when he was young and since then, since he was very young, he had looked after his little brother, Mark, almost as if he was his son. “It’s always been Mark and I. I’ve never told you because I thought it was not important, but when I was younger I decided to move in with one of my exes. Mark came along, of course. And it went badly.” Johnny stopped talking, took his time to think about what he wanted to say; it was scary, to be raw and honest. Vulnerability was not his forte, not when he had been always the strong one for his brother. “I know you’re not that person, and I love you; I want to build a life with you. But I’m scared. And I know… I know it’s not fair. I know that. I’m not asking you to just accept it but… I can’t. Not right now. Maybe with some time? I just… I’m sorry”.

When he looked up, Taeyong took his hand between theirs. There was a fire on his eyes, but also something soft and sparkling, like love and comprehension, that made him melt. With Taeyong, even falling felt safe; like landing on soft snow.

“It’s ok,” Taeyong told him. “I still want to live with you and with Mark, but I can wait. Thanks for telling me. But I need you to know this. I want to live with you because, you know, Johnny? You’re not just my boyfriend, and Mark is not only the little brother of my boyfriend. You’re my family. You _are_. And I know… I know is not upon me to decide that. I know you may not feel that way, but for me, you are. I don’t have anyone else either. My grandma died and I don’t really talk to my mom. But you… and Mark, and Doyoung and Jaehyun, is like I can be myself and I know you’ll be there.” Taeyong smiled and caressed his cheek, slowly, affectionately. Johnny felt mesmerized. “I love you, but I need you to know, I’ll still love you and Mark even if this doesn’t work out.”

Like being saved again, bathed in the warmth of his chest, Johnny questioned to himself if it was possible to fall in love with the same person more than one time. He leaned over the table, the chatter of people far away, and kissed Taeyong deeply. When they separated, Taeyong was smiling brightly, full of love, and johnny could not believe it was for him.

“Thank you”, he whispered, his voice a little strained. “Thank you, Taeyong.” There were a lot of things he wanted to say; you make me a better person, I think you’re the best person I’ll ever meet. I think it was destiny that brought me to you. All of it was cheesy and probably absurd, the kind of things he was used to saying as a joke, but were difficult to say now when it was in all seriousness. So he said what could summarize it better: “you’re my family too”.

They went to see the Rockefeller tree after that, hand in hand and visited the little street stalls that were there. Johnny hugged his boyfriend from behind while they looked at the lights of the tree, the city white and colorful at the same time, and didn’t even think about it before he talked: “let’s do it”, he whispered to Taeyong’s ear, “let’s move in together”.

Taeyong turned on his arms until they were facing each other.

“Really?” he asks, his voice also a whisper. “For real? I don’t want you to feel pressured, I was serious when I said-”

“For real”, Johnny interrupted him. “I want to live with you”.

When they kiss again, under the lights of the immense tree of Rockefeller, Johnny thought there wouldn’t be a better Christmas gift in his life. Not better than having Taeyong looking at him with happiness flowing in his eyes.

And at the same time, he was very much excited to know how the rest of their Christmases together were going to be.

__________

2.

“Yong! Where do I put these?”

Taeyong runs from the living room to the bedroom that will be Donghyuck’s one in just a few days. Yuta looks at him with a box full of things, his hair the same platinum as his (they dyed it together).

“Oh, put it in the living room, we’ll get it to the store later. Have you already finished?” he asks, surprised.

“Yeah, all ready for the rest to come with the furniture now” he smiles at him, sweating from head to toe. “We just have to get those to the store too, and that’s all”.

Those are the shelf and table Taeyong has been fighting with for the whole morning before his friend came to help. They’re only pieces of wood and metal packed with tape on the floor now.

“Oh,” Taeyong says, blinking. “You’re god sent, Yuta, seriously. I’m so slow with the screwdriver. Johnny and Jaehyun will take some time still, you wanna something to eat before we move all this?”

“I always want food, Yongie”.

They both sit together on the sofa while waiting for the food to be delivered and Yuta decided to go through the box.

“What you gonna do with all this, by the way? There are a lot of pictures here,” he asks, looking at some of them curiously.

“Ah, I’ll just put it in my new office”.

The flat is pretty big: it has three rooms and two bathrooms, a very decent kitchen and a spacious living room; the spare room they had was his office, where he managed the numbers of the store and painted. But it was going to be Donghyuck’s room now, so he made space in the storage room to make an office there.

“Oh, look at this. I remember taking this one” Yuta says. Taeyong takes a look and smiles. “It was the first one you went to Japan, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah” Taeyong answers, taking the picture himself. “We met then”.

“Johnny didn’t stop talking about his boyfriend in New York. Everyone was so sick of it. I was so curious when you finally came.” Yuta takes his beer and takes a long sip. “I was very surprised when I saw it worked out well, to be honest. I thought, you know, distance relationships and all that… aren’t really easy”.

Taeyong chuckles. He can laugh about it now, but it was difficult at the time.

“I thought the same. We had a big fight when he told me. It was around this date, I think, close to Christmas” he looks at the smiling figures of the frame. They seem happy, but as always happens with this kind of thing, it’s just a part of the story.

“Well, I’m happy it worked out. Now that I live here I can’t even imagine you two not being together. It would be a nightmare. Who would calm down Johnny when he wants to work out?” Yuta groans.

Taeyong laughs and nods. Johnny always insists on doing some “same age bonding time” that normally revolves around doing exercise (and dying).

Yuta was Johnny coworker when he went to work in Japan two years ago, and it had been just one since the Japanese moved to New York, but Taeyong already considered him one of his closest friends and was secretly glad he had ended working at the New York's branch of the company with Johnny.

“Ah!”, Yuta exclaims when someone calls at the door. “Food! Finally!”

Taeyong follows him to the door, ready to fight over who has to pay this time, but not before he takes a last look at the picture. Yeah, he thinks to himself, that was a rough year, but it turned out pretty well.

____

That year, Taeyong wanted to buy a trip for Johnny, Mark, and him as a Christmas gift for Johnny. A family trip. He had been speculating with Doyoung and Mark since months ago. The last step had been, of course, asking Jaehyun about it. He had already gotten everything, a trip in February or march to Europe. Mark had been very excited and Taeyong himself was unable to stop the silly smiles that came to his face every time he thought of the three of them in Paris, London, or Italy, the brothers following Taeyong while he talked about all the pieces of art they had to see.

But Jaehyun had frowned at him when he told him and that had been when Taeyong had known something was wrong.

“What happens?” he had asked, an unease feeling installed on his stomach. “Jaehyun. What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry” Jaehyun had apologized. “I can’t tell you, Yong. It’s just… you should talk with Johnny about this idea first”. Jaehyun had squeezed his arm and had apologized once again when they had parted their ways.

When Taeyong had gotten home, Johnny was already there. Taeyong went to the kitchen and dropped his bag right there, on the table.

“What’s happening”, he said, even when johnny was still singing to himself while cooking something after having told him he was doing dinner. “What’s wrong, Johnny.”

Taeyong saw as Johnny turned to him, a confused look on his face that transformed to something else when he saw Taeyong’s expression. He didn’t know what kind of face he was making but could guess it was not a good one. He wanted to feel angry but was afraid of ending feeling exactly that: angry. And hurt. And heartbroken.

The way home had been awful, his mind going through all the worse possibilities, all the things he was afraid of, the monsters he normally had hidden under the bed. He couldn’t stop overthinking and by the time he had stepped into the flat, he was being eaten by anxiety.

“What? What do you mean? Are you okay, babe?”

Johnny walked to him, letting the knife on the counter and washing his hands meanwhile, all worried and sincere. It was so domestic Taeyong had to take one step back.

“I wanted to gift you a trip,” he said. His chest was burning and he needed to take this out so it results in something stupid that he could apologize for later. He needed it to be something unimportant. “In February or March. To Europe. With mark. He’s already in, we’ve been looking for all of it for months.” he observed Johnny, saw how his expression changed and changed while he spoke until there’s one feeling Taeyong can identify and made his heart beat faster. Guilt. Johnny felt guilty.

“That is… an amazing gift, babe,” Johnny mumbled.

His voice sounded tense.

“But,” Taeyong told him, “you won’t accept it, will you?”

It was curious to see Johnny like that: defeated, too small for his big form. Afraid. He was afraid and that was making him scared too. When he didn’t answer, Taeyong asked:

“Why? Tell me, Johnny. Tell me what’s this about” he didn’t want to beg, even when he felt the tears in his eyes already ready. It was because of the way Johnny was reacting, doubting, and frightened. Like he did something very bad. “Have you cheated on me? Is that?”

Johnny startled, looked at him from the floor he was contemplating and denying quickly.

“No, of course-- Oh god Taeyong I’d never do that to you. No. It’s not that”.

“Then tell me what it is, Johnny. Just tell me. You’re scaring me. You know I’m bad at uncertainty. Please”.

“Okay, okay I’ll tell you. Just… please. Please listen until the end, okay?” Johnny bit his lip, passed his hands over his hair. He wasn’t looking at him, and that was the scariest part of all of it. “Please, promise me”.

With the knot he had already in his stomach, Taeyong wasn’t sure he could do that promise, so he just nodded. He’d try, at least.

That’s how Johnny told him, two days before Christmas, in their kitchen, that he was being sent to Japan from next month, at the end of January, for at least six months. It was a great opportunity, Johnny whispered to him, Taeyong looking at his eyes in shock.

Will you come back, was the only question Taeyong did to him. Can you assure me it’ll be for six months and you’ll come back?

But Johnny couldn’t answer that. He quietened and Taeyong left him there, in the kitchen of their shared home, and went out. He didn’t come back even for Christmas eve. Mark called him crying, asking him if he could still stay at the flat, and Taeyong whispered furiously to him that he was his little brother too, no matter what happened with Johnny and him.

It took three days for Taeyong to be able to call Johnny. They talked in the kitchen again, and this time Johnny apologized, explained to him why it was so important for him. “I’ll come back” he promised, “I swear, Yong, if they want me to stay there I’ll just say no, I’ll resign, I don’t care.”

Taeyong told him about how afraid he was. He didn’t like distance relationships. He didn’t think he would be able to handle it. Johnny told him he could go visit, they could make it work. But Taeyong was still afraid, and he cried his eyes out that night when they slept hugging each other as if they were scared they would be an ocean away by the next morning.

(They broke up. Taeyong told him he couldn’t do it two weeks before Johnny had to go. It was February and they had spent valentine’s day together, but by the end of it Taeyong just knew he couldn’t do it, and broke up with him.

Johnny spent his two last weeks in New York in Jaehyun’s flat.

They talked again two months later, by text, but ended calling each other, and cried for hours together in the distance.

They decided to try it out. It wasn’t easy, but it was better than not being together. Taeyong went to visit him in June and spent there two weeks.

When Johnny came back it was refusing a better position in Japan. He talked to his boss about his family, about Mark and Taeyong, and the man understood it. “You’re not going to have this kind of opportunity often, son”, he warned, but Johnny smiled at him and shrugged. “I’ll lose a better opportunity in life if I come to live here, sir”, he answered.

Taeyong never knew about this.

That he was the chance Johnny had chosen for his life).

\------

1.

Shopping on the day before Christmas eve is the kind of thing only desperate, stupid, or crazy people do, that’s a fact of life, but it’s even more than that in a big city like new York; it becomes a philosophy, a life motto. A life or death matter.

A question of survival.

In the scheme of things, Johnny doesn’t know if he’s the stupid, the crazy, or the desperate kind, but he’s starting to think it could be a little of all of them.

When Taeyong mentioned that morning that they didn’t have any scarf for Donghyuck he just laughed and continued doing his thing because, well, the kid could just borrow one of theirs, couldn’t he? Why were scarfs a personal piece of clothing now? Johnny didn’t understand, but Jaehyun and Yuta had glared at him and they _all_ had just decided to go to buy a scarf in the street stands.

Johnny feels like he’s having a fever dream.

Doyoung bumps into him and Johnny tries to balance him with the little space he has to move.

“You ok?” he asks, but Doyoung is already cursing the poor soul that had shoved him.

“This is cool” Jaehyun mentions, and Johnny looks at him incredulously. “It is! It’s like… your last outing before becoming a dad. We should buy something to drink later, man”.

“Yeah, it could be like a bachelor party but, like, for parents” Yuta chimes in, still glancing at a man that had bumped into him.

Johnny could do with some drinking. His son is coming home tomorrow, though, so he probably shouldn’t do it. He needs to start this with responsibility.

“That’s not even a thing” he decides to say. “Also, why do you want a bachelor party? We had one not so long ago”. Doyoung, Jaehyun, and Yuta look at him blankly. “Mine”, he clarifies, “We had mine not so long ago”.

“Dude”, Jaehyun groans.

“That was almost a year ago”, Doyoung complains; and that’s a lot to say, being that Doyoung doesn’t even like parties.

“We’re not getting blasted today. We have to get Donghyuck tomorrow. We’ll be adults; responsible, father-like adults” Johnny starts. Someone else bumps into him again but Johnny doesn't care. He has a point to make, and he'll do it. "So now we're gonna buy the scarf for my son, and then we'll go home, and make some adult conversation.” At this point, Yuta scoffs, and Doyoung laughs at him, but he keeps going, "and we'll maybe have some adult-like hot chocolate or, I don't know, something like tea.”

("Tea", Jaehyun repeats after him).

"Johnny! Look what I got!" Taeyong comes to them, being surprisingly good at navigating through the waves of people. He has something in his hand and when he shows him what it is with a big smile Johnny can only listen to his friends laughing behind his shoulder. "What?" Taeyong asks. "What’s the matter?"

Johnny smiles at him.

"Nothing, babe. They're just stupid. Um, why did you get that whiskey?"

Taeyong tilts his head, observing how Doyoung has to support himself on Jaehyun's shoulder while Yuta is patting Johnny's back.

"Seriously," Taeyong says. "What's wrong with them?"

"Well," Doyoung says between bursts of a laugh, "it's just that life, you know, sometimes has this thing for irony".

Taeyong frowns at him.

"Are they already drunk?" he asks Johnny, that can only sigh when another big burst of laugh starts after that.

"I didn't think you'd want to drink today", he opts to say, grabbing the bag with the scarf for their son (it sounds so weird, their son, but it makes him happy). It's blue, very beautiful, the kind of thing that only someone with the good taste of Taeyong would get. "It's beautiful", he tells him. Yuta chimes in to agree with him, still laughing.

Taeyong is looking at them as if he's resigned to their friends being crazy, but thanks them nonetheless and then says: "Don't you remember? What day is today?"

"Oh", johnny looks at the bottle of whiskey in his hand and then to his husband. "Oh", he repeats, realization dawning in. "I see. Guys," he tells his friends, that are now in silence watching them with suspicion on their eyes. "We're getting blasted today".

"Wait", Doyoung exclaims. "What are we missing?"

Taeyong and Johnny look at each other and shrug their shoulders.

"C’mon" Yuta complains. "What's this about?"

"Didn't you want to get drunk? So, we're doing it, that's all you need to know".

"Not cool, man", Jaehyun frowns at him.

Johnny waves the bottle in his hand. "We have to get the mix, first", he announces, smiling at his husband, who giggles, before they both start walking down the street, hand in hand, sharing a secret that their friends will never, ever get out of them.

______

"Isn't it too soon?" Johnny asked again.

Jaehyun could only sigh (again) and try to be as convinced as someone who had been saying the same thing for weeks could be: "no. If you think is the right moment, then it is the right moment, Johnny".

"But,” Johnny whined, "technically, we've only dated for two years".

Jaehyun looked at him from behind his glasses, the ones he only used when he was at home correcting tests, and proceeded to let him have his little speech (again) while ranking students. Johnny was okay with being half ignored; being honest, even he was sick of it by that moment, but he couldn't stop worrying. It wasn't a little thing what he was planning to do, after all.

"And we've only been living together for, what? One? And we even had those months when we weren't officially dating, you know? And I know we've talked about this, and Taeyong wants it but maybe, you know, he doesn't want it now?" He saw as Jaehyun nodded along the way, in all the correct moments, as if they'd practiced it before (which could be, since they'd had this conversation many times already). "But", he continued and saw as his friend smile a little, enough to show his dimple, "I love him. And I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know it. And he loves me too, doesn't he?" Jaehyun made an agreement sound that he took as a yes; Johnny stood up and paced around the room. "We both have stable jobs now, and I know that's a stupid reason but, well, it is important somehow, isn't it?" Another little sound from behind his back. "And at the end of the day, there is no such thing as having to date a certain amount of time before getting married to someone, is there?"

"Of course not" Jaehyun collaborated.

Johnny didn't even listen to him.

"And Taeyong is cheesy! He is! A romanticist, like me. He likes details. I love that about him. So what's wrong with getting a little over the top when asking him to marry me, uh? It's whatever, I'll just do it and that's all!" at this point, Johnny stopped and looked over his shoulder at his best friend. "I'll do it", he proclaimed.

"Okay" Jaehyun. "I mean. Yes, please, do it. But if you want to like, really do it, you probably should be getting out of here like, two minutes ago".

Johnny tilted his head, then glanced at the clock that Jaehyun was pointing to and gasped.

"Fuck" he exclaimed, rushing around the place to get his things. "I gotta go".

Jaehyun looks up from his papers and: “Just don’t chicken out this time!”

"I won't" Johnny promised, closing the door behind him. He was not gonna chicken out, he repeated to himself. He was doing it, that night, exactly how he planned. There was no way he wasn't doing it. Nothing could stop him.

Only, that it could.

He had, in fact, chickened out.

In his defense, everything had started wrongly. Taeyong had called him while he was going to Rockefeller square, where they were meeting. "Johnny", he had whined over the phone, and his voice had sounded husky. “I’m sick, Johnnyyy”.

Well, damn, Johnny had thought. That didn't sound like an ideal scenario, but it wasn't all lost, was it? Of course, it wasn't. He listened to Taeyong complaining and offered to bring him some good soup from that restaurant he loved so much with homemade Korean food. Taeyong celebrated cheerfully for two seconds before breaking in coughs and johnny decided to go to a pharmacy too and get some medicines, just in case.

When he got home, the ring in the pocket of his jeans, Taeyong appeared at the door surrounded by a blanket, his face red, and his eyes puffy.

"Oh god", Johnny said.

Taeyong frowned.

"I don't look that bad", he huffed, sounding all funny.

"I'm surprised because you still look beautiful being sick like this. Isn't the world unfair?"

Taeyong flushed even more and Johnny kissed his forehead. "You could get sick too", Taeyong complained weakly, but put his cold hands under his shirt. "You're always so hot" he sighed.

"Oh, honey, aren't we bold today?" johnny joked. "C'mon, let's eat the soup, I'll give you medicines and you'll be able to sleep as long as you want. How does that sound?"

Taeyong smiled, nodding, and then clenched over himself and vomited all over Johnny's shirt.

"Well", Johnny said blinking at Taeyong. "You'll also need to drink lots of water, I think".

The scenario gets worse, he thought to himself, while going to the bathroom to get a good, well deserved, and very quick shower.

He forgot the ring on his nightstand when he got out of the bathroom, running to give a bucket to Taeyong.

They slept on the sofa, and Taeyong broke a fever that made his morning steadier. By the night, he was already himself again and insisted on drinking the bottle of whiskey that they had bought weeks ago.

"That makes no sense, Taeyong" Johnny tried. "You're sick".

"I'm okay now. It was stress, johnny. You know I'm not good with stress."

"I still don't know why you were so stressed that you got a fever and ended puking, over everything johnny frowned.

"The point is I'm okay now, and I messed our anniversary date, and I wanna drink. Please? It won't be worse than yesterday, c'mon".

Johnny thought later that he should have known. After all, Taeyong wasn't a person that liked to drink; normally, he stuck to beer, wine, or soju and that was still a little too much for him. Taeyong just drank when he wanted to get brave. It was stupid, and Johnny always told him how courageous he was without drinking, but Taeyong simply needed one drink or two sometimes to do things he was really scared about.

The kind of things you need to convince yourself to do by ranting to your best friend for weeks to no end.

He should have seen it coming, the same way he should have seen coming Taeyong drinking a lot, and himself following his example, until the point they both were stupidly blasted and horny. They ended going to the room after making out on the sofa like teenagers. Taeyong had rip both of them off their shirts and sat down in johnny's lap.

"Lube", he told Taeyong, too drunk, too distracted. "Nightstand".

Taeyong moved over him while Johnny dedicated to kiss Taeyong's jaw, his neck, his shoulder until Taeyong spoke:

"Johnny?" he asked, his voice strained.

"Yeah?" Johnny answered, licking the curvature of his neckline.

"Who's this ring for, Johnny?" Taeyong moved again, until he was looking at him from above, still over his lap, with an opened little box that had a beautiful ring in it.

Johnny could just gaze at him, and at Taeyong, eyes dizzy, lips red of being kissed, hair a mess, the hint of the marks that he just put on him starting to show and his butt touching his boner. Johnny gulped, hesitated for a second, didn't really think about it, and threw it all over the window (because alcohol did make him a little braver).

"It's for you. To ask your hand in marriage," he said, words slurring." If you make me the honor, that's it, of wanting to become my husband" he added, miraculously remembering some of the speech he had prepared for the moment he so elaborately had planned for months.

Taeyong just looked at him in awe for some seconds, blinked very rapidly, and then dissolved into giggles. Johnny observed him, the alcohol making him strangely distant to the moment, but also more emotional about it. God, he thought, I'm gonna puck.

"Are you laughing at me?" he inquired, hurt in a very drunk way.

"No", Taeyong started (still laughing), "No, no, of course not, it's just-" he got up, went to his side of the bed, and opened his nightstand. By then, Johnny was starting to get a grasp of what was happening and he couldn't believe it.

"Oh my god" was what he said when his boyfriend sat down at his side and showed him an open box with a gold ring in it. "Oh my god, Taeyong". he was drunk, and Taeyong was also drunk, still laughing his head off. "We're a fucking cliche", was his big epiphany. "We're disgusting", he whispered, smiling wide, something euphoric installed in his chest.

Taeyong nodded and kissed him between giggles. It was a mess.

"I love you," Taeyong told him. "And I can't wait to be married to you".

Johnny cared about his cheek, kissed him passionately. "Yeah", he said. "Same".

Same, he said. Taeyong broke down in a fit of laughs again.

"I mean", Johnny tried. "I love you too, and I want to marry you like, right now."

"Imagine if we were in Las Vegas", Taeyong answered seriously.

"Yeah," Johnny said. "That would be awesome".

They kissed again, but it was a mess.

They were so fucking drunk.

(Next day, when they recovered a little from the big hangover, they decided not to tell how they proposed each other to anyone and dedicated the rest of the day to elaborate a big plot of how it had been.

That was after they convinced each other it really happened, obviously).

____

0.

Donghyuck Lee hadn’t expected to be adopted, not at his age. Fourteen years old was way too old to be wanted as a son for any family, he knew; in fact, he had already given up years ago, when he was eight years old.

It was not only because of his age but because of his history; Donghyuck does have a family. His mom wasn’t able to take care of him, so she had given him to the social services when he turned six. That was not something families liked either; the fact that Donghyuck already had a mom he knew, even if he hadn’t seen her since he was a kid.

There was no pace in his life for something like hope, so Donghyuck had felt just skeptical when they told him a young couple could be interested in people of his age. Donghyuck didn't even want to be adopted, to be honest.

But Taeyong and Johnny had seemed nice when he met them, so Donghyuck had talked to them and had a good time. When they said their goodbyes, promising to come back soon, Donghyuck hadn't believed them. But they came back two weeks later and brought homemade cookies that almost made him cry.

It was stupid, Donghyuck had thought to himself bitterly. It was stupid to let his hopes up. He had done that enough times to know it wasn't going to end well. But they kept coming. He talked about cartoons and cooking with Taeyong and about video games and songs with johnny. They even talked to him about themselves. Johnny told him he had lost their parents being young and Taeyong spoke about his grandma, who had to raise him.

Their friends were jealous, tried to convince him he was probably getting a family soon. Two fathers. That he was lucky. But Donghyuck didn't believe a single thing.

When they stopped coming the following weeks, Donghyuck had felt disappointed but reassured. Yeah, he had told himself, the world hasn't got insane.

He was genuinely in shock when the staff of the center told him he was being adopted, and that he was going to his new home on Christmas eve. "It's not very usual because is too soon, but they insisted they wanted to spend Christmas with you".

By then, there were still some weeks until Christmas and that same evening they came back, this time with more cookies and cups of hot chocolate, and wearing big smiles that Donghyuck found himself returning.

"What's your favorite color?" Taeyong asked at some point in the conversation. "For your room", he clarified.

Donghyuck told him he didn't know. He liked some colors, but he had never gotten the chance to decorate anything for himself so he didn't know if he was going to get sick of the blue. It was surreal, thinking about having a room for himself.

He still couldn't believe it when Johnny came with two other guys (your new uncles! They proclaimed themselves, Yuta and Doyoung) and he had to say goodbye to his friends. "We can come to visit, you know that, don't you?" Johnny told him in the car. Donghyuck had nodded, tried not to cry. Tried not to be scared.

But he was. Oh, he was so scared.

Sometimes (many times, to be honest), kids that were adopted ended coming back to the center. "They didn't fit in", was the official excuse. Normally it was after one month tops, but other times it was long months after, they had gone, when everything seemed settled forever, and it was painful to see how they had to get used to being orphans again. Donghyuck knew for kids like him, being adopted wasn't the end of it.

He wanted to be liked, but he didn't know how. The desperation and excitement were mixed in his chest and made him anxious. The more he saw of how funny and kind Johnny (his new dad) and Yuta and Doyoung (his new uncles) were, the more afraid he became.

By the moment they had gotten to his new home, he was feeling nauseous, going up the stairs after his father (God, it was so weird) with his little box of all the things he had in the world.

"Here we are", Johnny had told him, and when he opened the door, Donghyuck had seen Taeyong, and three or four people more, all smiling at him in a room so warmly decorated that he thought it was a dream. Like one of those scenes in the movies, a perfect picture of all he never thought was going to have.

When Taeyong had hugged him, Donghyuck had shaken in his arms.

"Welcome home", Taeyong had whispered into his ear, and Donghyuck had to hold his tears.

They showed him his new room and got introduced to his new family, a group of adults that weren't really related to each other. The one closest to his age, Mark, was 18 years old and had eyes so innocent and sincere that Donghyuck first thought had been he wouldn't have survived a day in the center. It was that kind of difference that scared him the most; the knowledge that he wasn't a normal kid, that he couldn't be just a normal son for Taeyong and Johnny.

When the party had finished, Donghyuck had seen himself getting changed into new pajamas ("I hope you like it; you said you like bears", Taeyong had said when he gave him the clothes, and even if he thought they were a little childish, he had smiled at his new dad and thanked him), and was now alone in his new room.

That was when he started to cry.

He didn't even know why just that he had a big knot in his chest that was burning him inside.

Mark finds him like that when he opens the door to check on him (sent off by Taeyong and Johnny, of course).

"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" he asks, alarmed.

Donghyuck huffs at him.

"Shut the door, please", he says between sobs.

Marks does just that and looks at him from there for a moment. Donghyuck tries to whip the tears, embarrassed, but he can't stop crying, it seems.

When Mark sits at his side and offers a tissue, Donghyuck takes it without a word.

"I don't know what you're going through," he says after a while when Donghyuck has calmed down a little. "But you can talk with me. I'll listen."

Donghyuck laughs, then thinks about it. Mark is staring at him with calm eyes and a hand over his back, doing circles slowly.

"I'm scared", he ends whispering. "that I'll fuck up at some point and they'll return me. That they won't like me." He stops and inspires slowly, anxiety making yet another painful knot in his chest. "I can't be a perfect son for them. Fuck, I don't even think I can be a good son for anyone."

When he looks up at Mark, he is frowning. Donghyuck fears he has said something he shouldn't have, but Mark starts talking quickly.

"You don't need to be anything else than you, Hyuck."

Hyuck, that's how they're calling him. Only Donghyuck's friends had called him Hyuck, but he likes hearing it from others now.

"Yeah, I know that in theory but the reality is different, isn't it?"

"Not really", Mark answers, but then seems to think about it and when he talks again, is careful. "I understand that you don't trust them, or us, in general, right now; we have to gain your trust. But being a son is just being yourself. Even if you do things wrong, or are like, I don't know, not perfect, you are still a son, and have your parents and family to support you, and love you, and to help you, y’know?"

Donghyuck doesn't know, but he wants to. He's still scared, though.

"But what if I get angry, and talk bad to them, and they don't want me here?"

Donghyuck knows that a lot of times, the "problems to fit in" had been because kids had been too "aggressive", and he also knows he has a problem with his temper. But Mark only laughs.

"You're a teenager. It would be weird if you didn't. Also, you should have seen how many fights I had with my brother when I was younger, and he didn't send me away".

"Yeah", Donghyuck mumbles, "Because you're his brother".

"And you're his son.”

Donghyuck just gazes at him, not convinced at all, and Mark sighs.

"You know why they wanted to adopt an older person?", he asked. "They haven't told me, but it's pretty obvious. I was your age when my parents died, and Johnny was a little older than me. I lived in a center for months too, and we thought we wouldn't be able to be together again. Then Johnny could become my guardian, thank god. And Taeyong was abandoned by his mother when he was a little younger than you too. He was raised by his grandma, but, well, you don't forget that just like that. They wanted to give someone a family, not the other way around. For them is not even about if they like you, but about you liking them. They won't take your family from you ever, and this is your family now. Do you get it? That's why they wanted to have you home on Christmas eve. Because this is your gift, not theirs."

Donghyuck can only look at him. He doesn't know how he feels, but it's warm and he wants to hug someone, so he hugs Mark, who hugs him back (even if it’s a little clumsy at doing it) and that feels warm too. And safe.

"Wait", he realizes then, "that means you're my uncle?"

Mark stutters.

"Uh", he shrugs, "I think so?"

"That's weird, you're just a little older than I am", Donghyuck deadpans.

Someone knocks on the door. Johnny opens it after they answer and doesn't say anything about Donghyuck's obvious puffy eyes.

"Taeyong made some hot chocolate. Come take it before it gets cold."

"Yessss!", Mark gets up, "Taeyong's chocolate is the best, I always miss it at uni.”

He passes his brother by the door, and Donghyuck finds himself alone with Johnny. He gulps, but decides to be brave and gets up too, following Mark.

Johnny stops him for a second and smiles at him while stroking his hair.

"You okay, kiddo?"

Donghyuck thinks about it for a second, listens to Taeyong and Mark laughing in the living room, probably waiting for them, and looks up at the eyes of his father, which are so sincere that he doesn't find it in himself to doubt when he answers: "Yeah. Better than ever.”

Johnny smiles at him, bright and honest, and he knows that yeah, truly, he will be fine here. He’ll be at home.

The end.


End file.
